It was a teenage romance. At least that’s what everyone told me. I fell head over heels for him when I was 14 years old. They said a couple years from now this will all seem stupid. You won’t care about him or any of this. That’s where they were wrong.
I’m 21. It’s been seven years. And that boy still means the same to me now as he did then. If not, more. It was a small town. One of those that you would only see in a tv show like Friday night lights. We all knew each other and everything about each other’s lives. If one of us kids fucked up, the entire town would know by morning. That’s why it was such a big deal when I smoked my first bowl.
I remember it like it was yesterday. I was in town center, the place where all the younger kids would go and hang out on Friday and Saturday nights. I had gone to school with him in 7th and 8th grade but we never had any classes together therefore we were not close. It was now fall of freshman year. It was one of those nights where there was no football game at the high school so we had nothing to do. It was a week before thanksgiving break and all the kids were getting anxious. We were in the lobby of the movie theatre and that’s when I saw him. He approached me because we have mutual friends and said “Hi.” My heart was racing so fast that I was scared he could feel it when he hugged me tight. I don’t know if it was racing because I thought he was cute, or if I was scared that my boyfriend at the time was watching from the other side of the room. Either way it was unexplainably the best feeling I had ever experienced.
We continued our small talk conversation and he asked if I had ever smoked weed. At the time I was starting to rebel and drink, I had smoked hookah once and always knew I would smoke weed but wasn’t sure when. I told him “No.” and he replied with “Do you want to?” I quickly turned to my two best friends who were also going through a rebellious phase and because they both stood there and smiled I replied with “Sure!”
The walk to “The Corner” was potentially the longest walk of my life. It really wasn’t that far from the movie theatre but it felt like we were on Dora the Explorer and had lost the map. Luckily he and his friends still had backpack filled with all its goodies. The anticipation was killing me. It led into a bunch of questions. What was smoking weed going to feel like? Would I be able to hide it from my sister who was picking me up in 2 hours? Would I still be high by then? Could I overdose? Is it anything like alcohol? Will I get a hangover? I have a test to study for tomorrow. And then there was the only question I wasn’t asking … Was my boyfriend going to find out? But when I looked at him none of that mattered. All I wanted to do was put my lips on the same pipe that his were touching and that’s exactly what I was going to do.
It was his friends weed so he took the first hit. They called it “the greens.” I was new to all the terminology at the time. The only reason I even knew what that meant was because he explained it to me. He was next. As he was taking his first hit he was explaining to me how to inhale and hold the smoke in my lungs. When he finished his exhale he put the pipe to my lips and lit the bowl.
All I could think about was how close His face was to mine and that his hands were practically touching my face. He smelled like burnt weed and cologne. This might explain my fetish for the smell of weed now. When he lit the weed he looked me directly in the eyes. I had never had anyone look at me the way he did. Even though he didn’t know me well it was like he knew everything about me without me saying a word. It made me feel invincible, like I was in one of those teenage movies where the good girl and the bad guy end up conquering the world together… Or the high school or whatever. I inhaled slowly taking into consideration all the things he told me. I wanted to make sure to impress him. I inhaled so deep my lungs started to burn. It felt like I had just inhaled a bunch of water at the bottom of a pool. I quickly exhaled and everyone started to cheer. All I could say was “Can I do that again?”
Once we were done smoking I felt light, like I was floating. Parts of me felt numb, starting with my lips. He walked over to me and gave me a big hug. This time the hug lingered. We held each other for what felt like 10 minutes but I’m sure it was only about a minute. I nuzzled my head into his chest… Once again not thinking or caring what my boyfriend would say until my phone rang. T’s name popped up and I didn’t know what to say. Actually, I couldn’t say much of anything because I started to laugh. Not just laugh, but hysterically laugh… An uncontrollable amount of laughter. If I wasn’t so high I would have been embarrassed at how hard I was laughing. I literally fell to the ground until I realized that He had answered the phone for me and said “hello.”
T told him to meet at McDonald’s. They knew each other because they had PE together. We began to walk to McDonald’s and I couldn’t even think. I actually don’t remember if I could or couldn’t think because I blacked out. Apparently I collapsed because when I regained consciousness I was in His arms. He was holding me and walking. I felt like an idiot. But I had a boyfriend who was waiting for me and it shouldn’t have mattered anyways.
By the time we arrived at McDonald’s I was walking again. And of course T was waiting right out front like he was my keeper or something. I turned to say bye to Him but he had already started walking the other way. I couldn’t help but feel disappointed even while still high. T tried to kiss me being clueless of anything that just went on and kept me warm while we waited for my sister to pick us up. Meanwhile All I could think about was the way He looked at me…
To be Continued.
It’s 205 am on Tuesday, the 15th of April. I sit here writing this only because I’m damaged and distraught. I heard you fucking her about… 38 minutes ago to be exact.
They say there’s a difference between “knowing” something and actually getting confirmation of it. I learned this lesson early on when my mom “knew” I smoked pot and then actually caught me smoking it. I guess when you “know” something you can only create images in your head of the scenarios that may be going on so you never really think of it as real. When you get confirmation of something, like hearing a bed frame hit against your kitchen wall for fifteen minutes straight and noises that oddly sound like an owl howling… then you know it’s fucking real. This also makes you feel like a pretty big idiot because you already “knew” it in the first place.
So here I am lying in bed like an idiot because unlike him I don’t fall in love every day. I begin to consider my options. Like any other girl I would like to take my brand new Michael kors stilettoes and shove it up his ass……… BUT they’re way too pretty to be infested with whatever diseases his butthole might have so I refrain. And speaking of diseases, I really hope that UTI cleared up because she may be in for a little surprise in the morning. Not like I’m hoping for that or anything…. (Okay you caught me we all know I’m hoping for that.)
I could pull a Carrie Underwood and carve my name into his leather seats, but that might be awkward considering we park right next to each other in our garage and the neighbors may catch me. I could pull a Britney Spears and hope my perfume is left on his pillow for her to smell but that just seems too nice. I could write a song about him like Taylor Swift did in Dear John about how he’s a creepy older dude that I shouldn’t have even given the time of day to… but that makes me sound pathetic.(And I won’t torture anyone with my singing.) If I was 14 again this would be a lot simpler. All I would need is some toilet paper, marshmallows, silly string, maybe a couple eggs and he would regret ever looking at me. Just ask my ex-boyfriend from sophomore year.
As I refrain I laugh to myself because it finally hits me. The greatest revenge of all is simply the fact that she doesn’t know he’s been in my bed for the past two weeks. And then I actually start to feel sorry for her… And the UTI she’s probably going to endure. (Okay, you caught me lying again.)
Five months ago I never would have predicted this. It was one of those things that even a fortune cookie couldn’t predict. (The kind of fortune cookie that says something like “You will taste something sweet and crunchy” and it actually happens as you put the cookie in your mouth.) The even crazier part is to think back to a year ago when my only worry was what color swim suit I was going to wear to pool parties. It’s weird to think there was a time where things were literally that simple. Sleeping in until 2pm was normal, staying out until 4am was mandatory and taking a jaeger bomb never failed to get me naked but I would drink it anyways.
Everything in my life was good. I had a shitty job but I made good money. I was acting and auditioning frequently. I had two decent make out buddies who I would sometimes snuggle. And I would frequently sext my ex-boyfriend from back home. The boy I was madly in love with. And I guess that’s where this story really begins…
To be continued.
By Mark Noel
— Albert Einstein (via psych-facts)
the ocean is a liquid outerspace